Goodbye 2014!

I am very happy to say goodbye to one of the most challenging and difficult years of my life.  Bipolar I diagnosis, 2 hospitalizations, moving out of our house for a while, medication, medication, medication.  2015 you can definitely take it easier on me and my family.

Trying to stay level

I think that sometimes that this has been the hardest part of it all.  The trying to stay level part.  Knowing that it’s really not good for my health or well being to get to excited, to passionate or to revved up about something.  That can open up the door to obsessive behavior which can lead to hypo or full blow mania.  So I have been trying to stay on the level and mindful of what my emotions are doing.  I think it’s hard because the hypo-mania is fun and makes you a fun person to be around.  Makes you seem more jacked up, more energetic and more engaged but at the same time can be playing with fire if it keeps going into mania when you really get going and get hyper engaged, angry, silly, and start losing control of reality.

I am trying to keep my center.  I have been feeling a little empty the past few weeks.  Like all the energy I can muster is going into getting up getting into work and trying to be with my family when I can.  Other than that it’s been pretty null and void.  But still better than raging all the time and being obsessed with a situation that is somewhat beyond my control.  I am doing my best to stay healthy, to keep a good sleep pattern, good diet and calm mentality.  I have missed out exercise this past week due to our brutally cold weather but I did yoga this afternoon which felt great.

Keeping it all going.

A Big Setback Indeed

Well it’s been a little while since I have posted anything to the site and a lot has changed.  Not for the better.

I am staying at a motel, broke my sobriety and worst of all betrayed and broke the trust of my family.  I feel like there is a 500 lb gorilla of sadness sitting on my chest.

I know what I have to do to earn back the trust and respect of my family.  I know what I have to do but in the meantime I am still fighting off a great despair.  I miss my family.

I will be a better person for this for I know, right now, how deeply it mentally and physically pains me to be separated from them and what I need to do to get back.  I can see how I went astray, see my mistakes and how I took my health for granted.  I can heal these wounds.

– Edward

As I was first losing my grip on sanity back in January, this song was like a guide, a light, a warm shoulder.

Matt Skiba the Sekrets – Babylon

How The Hell Did We Get Here?
We’ve been walking in circles all night long,
never held onto my fear, but it seems like you sensed it all along
How the hell did we get here?
Like three blind bats lost in the light, with our destinies unclear,
We’re quiet as cathedral mice on lithium

Now I gotta level with you baby I’ve taken all that I can
You came and went and you left me crazy
Off in a far away land
Now I gotta level with you baby I am lost and alone
At the end of this hallway maybe this house of leaves is a home

How The Hell Did We Get Here?
We’ve been spiraling downward now for days
Never once shed all my tears ‘til my sense of direction went away
How The Hell Did We Get Here?
Three little pigs, strapped, gagged, and bound
Lycanthropic and sincere
You came to blow our door straight down…

Now I gotta level with you baby, I’ve taken all that I can
You came and went and you left me crazy, off in a far away land
Now I gotta level with you baby, I am lost and alone
At the end of this hallway maybe this house of leaves is a home

As you felt East Germany, slowly freezing in your bones
Just as my insanity came like blood through your telephone
And now every other Sunday, they will line up out the door
to wish you well in hell forevermore
Forevermore

Now I gotta level with you baby I’ve taken all that I can
You came and went and you left me crazy, off in a faraway land
Now I gotta level with you baby, I am lost and alone
At the end of this hallway maybe this house of leaves is a home

ev2